Just random.

More times than none, I sit here and all I ask myself is "Where has the time gone?"
I feel like I'm growing up way too fast for comfort.
Moving in with my boyfriend.
Moving an hour away from home.
Losing all my closest friends and having to make new ones.
I never thought growing up and starting your life could be so frustrating and difficult.

A few times lately, I wonder if this is all right - if its supposed to be this way and I've come to the conclusion that I need to stop over thinking things and live in the moment.

Along the way there are a few people, I'd like to thank.

Starting with:
My parents.
- Thank you for putting up with my crap all these years. You two are the ones I learned the most from and the greatest teachers in the world and never forget, I love you both.

Lauren.
- Since grade 7 you've been someone I consider a sister. You've always been there for me, and I really hope this move doesn't hurt our friendship. We've always said we'd make it through anything but to be honest, I'm terrified I'll lose you. I love you.

Elisha.
- We keep having our spurts where we talk all the time, than we stop for a while. It needs to stop. I miss you, and I'm going to miss you even more once I'm in London. Just make sure to come visit once in a while and we'll be fine. I love you.

Cassie.
- You're moving to London as well, and I feel as if lately you're the one friend who positively and genuinely influences my life, in the best ways possible. I couldn't ask for a better friend and I'm glad that you will be living so close by. I love you.

Lastly, Briar.
- You aren't in my life anymore and I miss you. But I had some growing up to do. And thanks to losing you as a friend, as much as it hurts, I am growing into a better person. I've stopped doing the stupid shit that you disliked about me and I'm starting to realize where I went wrong. You are a true friend and I hope one day, we'll be back to being friends. I truly wish you all the best in your life and I know you might never read this but - Thank you. Thank you for giving up on me, because I know that you know that it was the only way I'd ever fully grow up. I love you. And I hope one day our paths will cross, and darling - you will make the best mom. Good luck.

Life has changed so much since November.

Finally, I've decided that it was time to let go of past relationships. I've moved on and made more rational decisions. Ottawa has been voted out of the picture for the time being.
I've decided to stay home and save up money. I believe that schooling right now is my best option. I'm saving up to go to Memorial University in St. John's Newfoundland in 2010. I think that would be an experience of a lifetime and I feel I could do good there. Not much to preoccupy my time, I can get my studies in order and most of all, I'll be able to see the beautiful scenery all the time. Although I'm sure it gets old - its something that excites me. I've met someone, he makes my heart race. He makes me feel silly and more than that - hes my best friend.

an empty heart with a full mind

The music that we listen to is a definite indication of our mood at the current time and place. So I suppose listening to upbeat happy music would make it that I'm in that type of mood when really I find myself listening to that music just to escape the hurt I've been taking from someone I thought was supposed to mean something to me. I mean he does mean something to me, and he did. And it just hurts to know that's its over. Its like as much as it upsets me, he doesn't give a fuck about it at all. He lives his life all normal without a single care or impact on how much he hurt me. The one boy in my life, I actually decided was worth the trust turned out to not even be worth a single dime. "Boys like you are a dime a dozen" ain't that the truth.

On a happier note, and I mean completely happier note. I've finally found a gorgeous house that Elisha and I can settle down in. The house is a 4 bedroom townhouse situated in downtown Ottawa. Its absolutely gorgeous. We've found two other girls to live with us, and although we haven't met them yet, they seem like amazing girls and I'm so stoked to live with them. So more about this house... Its friggan the most beautiful thing I've seen ever. If you think about it rent is 1400.00 a month. Split between the four of us its 350.00 each. WOW! That already includes all the utilities and because its a townhouse it has its own washer and dryer and everything. I've never been more stoked to get out of Hamilton, as I am right now.

The moving process is going to be amazing and we're looking to move around the end of April/beginning of May. I couldn't be more stoked. The 5 hour drive, the beautiful scenery along the way and of course having my best friend next to me through this entire thing. I can't wait. Being 5 hours away from the bad memories, leaving behind a life of fake smiles, a life of lies and deception, I can finally be me. I can finally be the person I've always wanted to be. I don't care who are you, you are not standing in the way of me and my dreams.

I've had many dreams in the past. Many dreams that have come and gone, and many dreams I let go of for him. Not that he'll ever read this but - now I can follow my heart and be somewhere that I can be my creative self. I sound so repetitive and I just can't help it. I'm so happy.

I know that leaving behind my job, my friends and my family is going to be really tough but its something that I feel its time to do. Its time to get on with my life and its time to be somewhere new. That is what I want - somewhere new. A change in environment, a change in scenery, a change in a way of life. I want to be somewhere fast paced yet safe. Somewhere that doesn't care what I've done in my past and somewhere I'm not going to be judged for being who I am.

Its amazing how after I thought I found the man I was supposed to be with, after he hurt me, I find out that my life is finally falling into place - without him by my side. Imagine thinking that I was planning on spending every waking moment with this one boy. Imagine thinking that you had your heart set on this one person and it was only supposed to be him and for the rest of my life. I couldn't be more thrilled to know that there is so much more out there for me than that. There is so much more out there than hurt, and fighting and deception.

And I'm glad I've finally learned, that I deserve so much better than that.

I don't know how I feel.

Recently I've had my heart torn to shreds by this boy I thought would never do that to me. Despite the fact of the promises the fact of the lies the fact of the deception I never once lost interest in him, or stopped caring. To be honest - I still love him as much today as I did when we were together. I've had a few days to think about where my life is headed and why and all I know is that the reason I'm moving is far bigger than because he broke me. I've loved Ottawa, Ontario ever since I was a young girl. Its been a place I've been able to escape my fears and just be free. I've been my most creative person being there and I know that being there I am truly happy - without any of that mushy, love bullshit. I don't need it to feel accepted there and I don't need it to be happy there. I am just truly more myself being there. I have this feeling that although my parents think moving there will be a HUGE mistake and I'll regret it - that I'm going to become a better person. Being far away from this crappy city - will make me smile more than anything. I will finally be able to want to wake up and go outside - no matter the weather. I will finally be able to see myself smile, without having to force it on my face. Thats what my smile has come down to - being fake and plastered on. Nothing will make me happier than to finally be somewhere I can call home - and to be there with the one girl in my life, that truly loves me. Elisha Marie Beam. She's my sunshine, my other half, and the reason I'm still standing tall and strong today.